News she is leaving. Ask God why.

Guys, gals or whoever reading this, today is a sad and bad day for me.

The girl i liked is going to New Zealand to study, college and uni, in other words, a long long time.
I cant even see her once a week from January onwards, my only connection to her "brutally" cut. I dunno why this is happening again. For those who know my secondary school crush, she left without knowing i even existed, now it is de ja vu for this case.

None of my crushes ever worked out, well this 3rd one is striked out, way out. But i guess its mostly my fault, I never had the courage to approach the girl to say hi, i am too useless. Lack of self-confidence, my achilles heel.

All the while, i have only been looking at her during service in church, admiring how pretty she is, how she talks and how she smiles. Her smile is soothing so to speak. I keep talking about her to my homies and cell mates but never dared to say hi. Now she is going away, not knowing who i am. You guys would think that this is the final stretch and i should go all out, but sorry, the courage aint coming by a long shot.

On the train, on the bus, i would daydream about us being frens, how she would talk to me about her problems and hanging out and stuff. And if God permits, maybe becoming something more. I dun ask for much, just being a good fren of hers would be enough. I wanna protect her you know, be there when she is sad and share her happiness. Protect her with my strength and comfort her when she is down in the dumps. But i guess that aint happening.

Smsed a fellow fren, she replied maybe God planned another sweet one for me but have not appeared yet. I dunno, not that i dun have faith in God, but i would really like to experience true love now. Too dramatic eh. But i have faith God knows best.

The worst part i guess is not feeling as heart-broken as i should. For my second crush, i cried and emoed for 3 days, and kept a momento from her for a year. Yep, that serious. Maybe its because i dun really know her.

Still remembered when my cellmates egged me on to stand beside her after service. I stood there 5 cm apart. I felt... happy. When she walked past me, it was beyond words, awesome. I wanted to know her more for who she is, and who she was in God. I foolishly thought i had many years to prepare myself for that but like all things that comes and goes, something like this unpredictably happened. Why? I have no clue.

I thought of playing the guitar and sing a love song or two, and she is in the crowd, and at the best part of the song, give her a look and maybe she knows. Guess it is too much eh, but what can i do? I always daydream about that senario.

Now all i can do in my capacity, is just to look at her as much as i can, before she goes to New Zealand. My love stories are all crappy so to speak. I wanna give her what i can, but it is just aint possible eh.

I am thinking of waiting for her, and in these few years i make my best effort to be a better guy for her. But chances of it are slim, if i cant do it now, what more a few more years.

Well, if she ever read this post, just wanna tell you i like you and i pray for your safety and an intimate relationship with God wherever u go. If you ever meet a guy u like, ask God first, he knows best and just know i will be happy for you too. May the blessings of God be upon you always and to the end of time.

Every moment i will be liking you.